Bar Rules 101: Argentine Edition

The theme is real simple. You go out to a bar for a variety of reasons. You go to socialize, drink your pain away, celebrate, get laid, listen to music, dance, or maybe just to get out of the house. No matter how you cut it, the underlying theme is that people to bars to have fun and escape what would seem to be the underwhelming normalcy of their day-to-day grind. But once you dim the lights, crank the tunes, and get the sauce flowing, people behave in very strange ways. Most of the time, you as bargoers don't even realize this. But you know who does? Bar workers. That's right. The people who serve you drinks, listen to your stories, flirt with you, and occasionally kick you out or clean up your puke. So, as one of the aforementioned workers, I've decided to put together a list of common mistakes made by you, the customer, as well as some varying groups of typically horrible customers. Don't worry, we all have our douchey bar moments we wish we could take back. Maybe this will help you stop before you become "that guy" or "that girl".

Here it goes:

The Yeller: This is one of the greatest ways to make a bartender angry. Yelling at the top of your lungs when everyone can hear you perfectly. Alcohol kind of has the same effect on your inner volume as listening to headphones while trying to talk to someone. You can barely hear yourself, but the rest of us want to stab you in the larynx with a dull pencil.

Whistling and Snapping: Snapping and whistling is a good way to never get served a drink. And don't tell me it's cultural. You know what else is cultural? Female circumcision in parts of Africa. It doesn't make it right, scumbag. I am not a dog, nor am I "boy", "kid", "boss", or "chief". Next time try making eye contact with your server, and motioning in a polite way that you'd like something. Your mother should have taught you this, but in lieu of her knowledge, learn by reaction.

The Playboy: Now, this is a tricky one, because these guys can usually make your bar shitloads of money. A playboy is a guy who usually goes to a series of the same bars regularly with the sole purpose of scoring pussy. They're not always good looking, but they ALWAYS have money. The problem is that if you don't have a vagina, the Playboy gets a bit too alpha-male and often gets aggressive with other male customers and staff. Also, the Playboy often comes off as creepy or too aggressive, which can have a negative effect on your female clientele or staff. Which brings me to my next point...

Hitting on the Bartender: Sorry girls, but this is a double standard. Deal with it. As a bartender/customer for around 8 years, I can safely say that I've never walked into a bar and picked up the female bartender. Does it happen? Yes. Is it common? No. Believe it or not, most female bartenders I know have boyfriends. If they don't, they usually have rules about dating/fucking customers. Just because she's nice to you doesn't mean she wants to fuck you. She gets paid to be nice to you. Male bartenders on the other hand are typically whores for easy chicks. Sorry, but it's a double standard. What can I say. But when little miss C-cup with daddy issues and an effinity for making rash decisions wants to slosh around with the guy that made them a strong daquiri, it's kind of hard to say no. Sexist? Maybe a little. Don't believe me? Give it a try.

The Freeloader: No one likes a freeloader in any realm of their life, but in bars, freeloading scumbags are an epidemic. There's usually one in every group. The guy that never buys a round. You know him, don't you? Shit, you may even be him. The freeloader in a group sense rarely bothers the bar staff. After all, they're poaching free drinks off your dumb ass, not off us. However, the freeloader that makes our blood boil the most is the one that rolls in solo, buys 1 or 2 drinks, and expects a night full of free piss. In almost ANY other industry these people don't exist. But there's something about a bar (mainly alcohol and social looseness) that inspires cheapness and undeserved self importance. Of course I understand the concept of volume-based business and discounts, but most of you freeloaders are just plain old fucking greedy. EVERY bartender tosses out a free beer or two, but it's usually because you deserve it, and never because you ask for it.

The Showoff Tipper: Everyone loves tips. That is not an opinion either. It's a fact. Think about it. If someone gave you extra money for working hard, being polite, or just because they're in a generous mood, would you say no? Of course not. That being said, some people step over the line with the manner in which they tip. Flashing around your cash and showing the rest of the bar exactly how much more generous you are is pretty corney. Don't get me wrong. We will smile and take the money, but it's still lame. It's kind of like the bar equivalent of men with small penises reving up the engine to their red sports car around women to show them who's boss. We know who the big tippers are without saying anything. And we respect and treat them well. Being flashy about tipping is an attempt to draw attention to YOU, and less about showing your appreciation for the service.

Part 2 Coming Soon...