Why I Love Brazilians

Tonight the US Soccer team takes on Brazil in their first international match since the World Cup. I'm pretty sure no one cares around here, but playing Brazil in soccer is always a challenge, always fun to watch, and always garners some sort of attention. But enough about the beautiful game. It got me thinking. I don't think I've ever met a Brazilian I didn't like. Seriously. In a nutshell, here's why:

Brazilians are fun, period. Poor, rich, black, or white, they often have these perma-grins, and a bounce around their day to day life as if they were at a party 24/7. It's hard to get a Brazilian to stand still, or even be quiet. Outside of the Chinese, Israelis, and Americans, they're pretty much the loudest people on earth. But unlike the uncomfortable screams of the multi-tonal Chinese language, and the retarded banter between two 20-year-old girls from equally uninteresting parts of California, Brazilian noise is almost always made in a celebratory tone. And man, do they like to celebrate.

I remember being in Punta del Este about three years ago with an American friend of mine who likes to party. We stayed in a hostel that every tourist does, called 1949, and bunked up with a group of about 15 Southern Brazilians. In one day, as my friend and I popped in and out of the ocean, taking naps, site seeing, eating, and stopping for the occasional beer, the hostel Brazilians did only two things: drink beer, and dance. Without exaggerating, I would estimate that between the 15 of them, they took on close to 200 liters of Brahma in a 15 or 16 hour period. They also had a boombox with them wherever they went, blasting heavy electro samba beats or 80s hair metal exclusively. I'm not sure if they even ate. But the greatest thing about this group was that they didn't stop. We went to bed before them, 2am, and were woken up by them. Doing what? You guessed it. Drinking beer and dancing. This time playing their own bongo drums, and chasing the suds with Marlboro reds and tropical fruits. This was at 7am.

Another great thing about Brazilians is that they agitate Argentines for all the right reasons. The soccer rivalry is fun, but it's lame to actually take that seriously outside of just being a game. Argentines take this too seriously because while being a dominant force in the region, they are usually on the losing end when up against Brazil. It's kind of like the Red Sox/Yankees rivalry. "Close but no cigar" is annoying as fuck when your rival owns a case of cigars, and "close" is a word rarely thought of.

There's also this weird Argentine/Brazilian rivalry based on Brazil's recent economic success. Argentines won't admit this, because they used to look at Brazilians as the fun, but poor and struggling neighbor. Argentines used to tout their wealth in Buzios and Rio in the summer, taking advantage of a strong currency, and an open tourist economy. Now, with the Argentine peso floundering, and the Argentine tourism economy holding together a large portion of the local wealth, the tables have turned. Literally.

Not that the Argies don't still fill the beaches in Buzios, or haggle for fresh coconut milk on the sands of Ipanema, but the percentage of Brazilians visiting their country has grown exponentially in recent years. Also, with the Brazilian Real slowly climbing towards 1 to 1 with the US dollar, and the peso sinking into the 4s, Brazilians have massive spending power abroad. And they know it.

It's kind of like if when a fat shy guy hits the gym and becomes all confident. His attitude changes, he starts getting chicks, he dresses better. You're happy for him as a friend, but deep down you kind of hate the douchebag he's turned into, and the fact that he's scoring more, and looks better than you do. This is kind of like the relationship between Argentines and Brazilians economically. They come to Buenos Aires wearing garish gold jewelry and gaudy Italian designer attire, breezing through shopping malls and bars with the economic ease of a gringo or Japanese tourist. But they do it in Portuguese, a language different enough to confuse the average Argentine, but similar enough to aggravate them that they don't know even a word in Spanish.

That's another thing. The language. I love hearing Brazilians speak Portuguese. If ever a language represented a people in it's sound, phrases, and natural cadence, it's Portuguese with Brazilians. The language bounces, with multi-tonal phrases that ebb and flow almost seamlessly with the sentiment of the speaker. They also have an incredibly hard time pronouncing other languages without their own style of speech and accent. In Boston, "Red Sox" becomes "Heggie Sockies", and my personal favorite, "Big Mac" becomes "Biggie Mackie". It's an endearing and honest way of speaking, and it's fun. Much better than listening to an Argentine say "Sprite", or a Gringo trying to pronounce the term "Horarios" correctly.

Lastly, they're fucking HOT. While physically speaking, most Brazilians don't have the slender or smooth physique of an Argentine, or Southern European. But what they lack in slenderness, they make up in shape. Brazilian booty is legendary, and with good reason. The women are shaped, and round, and tan. They walk with a confident swagger, and they have very few body issues when it comes to being exposed. You can almost feel the energy from a Brazilian woman even before you make eye contact with her, and while they often tend to overdue it with the make up and accessories, you seldom hear them talking about how fat they are, or why they need a better nose, or smaller chin. I say, more power to them.

All this being said, however, go team USA. But I still love you guys.

Top 5 Places to Pick up an Argenhot

If you've followed this site at all-and the sparcity of posts may have inspired you to call it quits-you may have read the guide to dating Argenhots. But dating an Argenhot means nothing if you don't know where to go to meet them, and why these places work. Here's a list of 5 of the best spots around the city to meet the Argenhot of your dreams. In no particular order:

1) Starbucks: Yeah, they're a multi-national, illuminati, soul-less, indigenous farm crushing corporation. But damn, they make a hell of a coffee. Argenhots love this place. Why? Because in Argentina, Starbucks is a luxury. There are very few of them, and the prices are so inflated that some of their coffees are the cost equivalent to 20% of your average worker's daily wage. Argenhots like to feel special, chic, and cultured. Starbucks gives them all of these things, plus a staff of soft-spoken gay men, blended sweet fruity drinks, and comfy chairs.

The strategy is simple. When you order your drink, do it in the WORST Spanish possible. Chances are that these girls are rich, studied English for most of their lives, have grown tired of Argentine men, and have no foreign friends. They will immediately pick up on your shitty accent, shoot you a stare, and talk to you. Rely on the slowness and ineptitude of the Starbucks staff to give you about 5-8 minutes of chat time with your Argenhot as you wait for your coffee. If you don't have a number, e-mail, or a facebook invite by the time that 18-peso latte is ready, then move on. It sounds shady, but you can do this multiple times a day, if you can handle all that caffeine.

2) UADE Business School: Believe it or not, Buenos Aires has a pretty good business school (insert joke here). The UADE campus is made up of a few bleak-looking buildings smashed together on the corner of the world's widest avenue, 9 de Julio. It lacks any outdoor space set aside exclusively for its students. What this means is that when they're not in class, UADE students flood the steps and giant sidewalk partition in front of the school. Depending on the time of day, it can look like an outdoor cocktail mixer full of driven, confident, middle-class 21-year-olds. There are also a ton of cafes and shady choripan places lining the surrounding streets, so you don't have to feel like a creeper that lurches around a school to pick up women.

The strategy here is a bit more complicated than Starbucks, and is only for inermediate to upper-intermediate Argenhotters. An Argentine business degree has very little international pull, so most of these students will not speak English, nor will they think your goofy foreign accent is cute. If you can't speak good conversational Spanish, forget it. You're best bet here is to approach with a beer or a joint. Deep inner insecurity and the overwhelming pressure to constantly succeed makes business students some of the biggest drinkers and recreational drug users on the planet. And this is universal, no matter what country. Weed is decriminalized in BA, and no one cares if you have an open beer out in public on a sunny afternoon. Go right up to someone, offer what you got, and tell them you were waiting on some friends, but they bailed, and you wanted to check out the scene around the school. These types of Argenhots like to talk about themselves a lot. If you can get past that, and the beer will help, you should have a pretty good chance of stretching after-school beers into a night on the town.

3) Retiro Station: Retiro is the central bus and train terminal for Buenos Aires, which essentially makes it the ground transportation hub of the entire country. The station is massive, and is split by an outdoor walkway filled with burger and beer kiosks that blast cumbia, Nigerian jewelry salesmen, and knock-off clothing vendors. It's a cavalcade of sound, language, and most importantly, diversity. People from all over the country converge here to either depart, arrive, or sell their wares to those doing both. The type of Argenhot here is the polar opposite of Starbucks girl, but just as gorgeous, only in a different way. If dark skin, smoothe black hair, and round deep eyes are your thing, this is your place.

The strategy here is a bit tricky. First off, this is not the safest place in the world, so make sure you're aware of your surroundings. Do NOT talk to someone's sister, or any girl who seems to be hanging around a bunch of guys. This is not the Buenos Aires you see on post cards. Most of these Argenhots are from the poorest parts of the country, and the men tend to be very posessive, old fashioned, and have a palpable disdain for foreigners. Look for an Argenhot that's working at one of the bars or burger shops, and be direct. Tell her you love her eyes, that you're not from around there (which will be blatantly obvious), and ask her about where she's from. Remember, she's most likely Argentine, but not Porteña. Play off the commonality of being an outsider in a big crazy city. Pretend you like cumbia, and if she works in a restaurant or bar, TIP. This will go a long way, and trust me, it's worth it. These women are some of the most beautiful in the country.

4) La Bomba de Tiempo: This one almost didn't make the list, as it is packed with foreigners, and annoying hostel hippies. If you aren't familiar with "La Bomba", I'll break it down. It's an outdoor acoustic percussion rave held every Monday in a place called Ciudad Konex. Picture the party scene from the Matrix 2, but with a bit less people. This place is FULL of dancing, drinking, stoned Argenhotness. These Argenhots could also be catagorized as Argenhippies, but don't let that fool you, they're still still as hot as that little princess from Recoleta who hates Dad and starts her mornings with a valume and a good cry. Argenhippies tend to look like what a hippie chick would look like in a movie if she was played by Jessica Alba. Unbelievable as a character, but you don't care, you live in suspended disbelief.

You've got a 50/50 shot at finding some form of an English speaker. The great thing is, it doesn't matter whether you do or don't. Most of these girls are creative, artistic, and most of all, fun. Talk about music, art, how much you hate pretentious girls, and why you love Buenos Aires. Or, just shut the fuck up and dance. Everyone else is. Avoid talking politics at all costs, especially if you're from the US. This will never end well, and at best case scenario will cause a lot of awkward tension. Keep it light, fun, and creative. There's always an after party, so wait 'til then to make your move. And yes, in this country, the hippies shave!

5) Alto Palermo Shopping Center: This place is perfect for those of you who prefer older Argenhots. Like a fine malbec, many Argenhots get better with age. This is especially true in Palermo, where many of the women are wealthy and don't work, giving them lots of time to stay healthy, but also causing them to be bored out of their mind. Buenos Aires has an extremely high percentage of single women over 40. My theory is that this comes from many women marrying early out of family pressure, and divorcing in their mid-30's when they realize it was the wrong decision. Also, infidelity is huge down here, and that is a big marriage destroyer. For whatever reason, this modern mall is full of bored rich women looking to fill the void of their lack of a purpose with lingerie from Caro Cuore, facial cremes, bags, and shoes.

Don't try to slick-talk these Argenmilfs. It won't work. Think of them as the older version of Starbucks girl. Chances are, they've traveled extensively, own their own apartment (and maybe even a beach house on the coast), and have dreams of one day moving to Barcelona or New York. Your game needs to be really tight to even come close to breaking through to one of these women. Avoid talking about your petty achievements, they're not impressed. Talk about what book you're currently reading, what kind of things interest you as a person, and why you are either visiting or living in Argentina. Don't be intimidated. They can smell fear. Good luck, and have fun.

Memorable Quotes from 2009

It's been a while since my last post, but being out of Argentina has given me a lot of time to think about some of the funnier things people have said to me or I've overheard over the past year or so. In honor of my first post of 2010, here's a list of the best quotes that I can remember. Enjoy:



Me: "Donde esta calle Paraguay?", Clerk: "Para que?", Me: "Paraguay", Clerk: "Para, no entiendo."

Diego: "I need you to pick up a package from the Israeli embassy in NY", Me: "Why? What is it?", Diego: "Don't worry about why. We'll just say it's a wrist watch."

Anonymous: "You're stupid for carrying weed on you. It's really easy to get busted.", Me: "But you've got 4 grams of coke in your pocket!!!", Anonymous: "Yeah, but if I get stopped I can swallow it quicker and there's no smell."

Evil Flor: "Can you buy me a Jansport bag when you go back to the US?", Me: "You threw me out on the street, made me homeless, and started dating a customer of mine. And you want me to do you a favor?", Evil Flor: "Never mind. I didn't think you paid attention to little details. I'll get one online."

Fernando: "Este no es un Chino. Es Japones", Me: "Por que?", Fernando: "Porque los Japoneses tienen ojos mas Chino que los Chinos, viste?"

Pepe: "Buenos Aires tiene la mejor pizza del mundo. Es la verdad. Me fui a Sweden."

Mini Flor: "I like you, but I'm not sexually attracted to you. It's not that I won't have sex with you, but it's going to take a while. Can I buy you a beer at least?"

Yenon: "I been to your country to work. Very different than Israel.", Me: "Where did you go? What did you do?", Yenon: "I lived in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Sold Dead Sea salt to fat black women who yelled a lot.", Me: "How was that?", Yenon: "Traumatic."

Brendan: "I tried to find you at the bar last night, but you guys were closed early.", Me: "So what did you do instead?", Brendan: "Some Venezuelan guy payed me to get naked on film and dance around with some whores in a club nearby. I think I punched the Muppet and then blacked out. You guys should stay open later on Thursday."

Fernando: "I'm a communist, so of course I support Chavez, Morales, and all of the leaders who support the rights of the people and the workers.", Me: "What about Kim Jong Il?", Fernando: "Who's that?"

Me: "I have to leave work a bit early tonight.", Diego: "Why?", Me: "There's a Colombian locked in my room, and I want to make sure she has enough water."

Bar Customer: "I hate America. No, really, I do. I even cheered on 9/11. But you seem pretty cool. You have facebook?"

Marcelo: "Do they eat chicken in the US?"

American Hostel Hippie: "You know that bag of Doritos you're eating represents everything that's wrong with corporate consumerism penetrating the developing countries in Latin America?" Me: "Dude, you travel with a desktop computer and a 23-inch monitor." American Hostel Hippie: "Yeah, but only so I can blog about economic and social inequality. I serve a purpose."

Lisa: "I swear to God, in Germany, the salt is much saltier."

Semester Abroad Student: "They suck at speaking Spanish down here, man. Trust me, I'm from California."

Me: "Your boobs are fantastic." Anonymous: "I know. My Grandma bought them for me."


That's all for now. Happy New Year.