Top 5 Places to Pick up an Argenhot

If you've followed this site at all-and the sparcity of posts may have inspired you to call it quits-you may have read the guide to dating Argenhots. But dating an Argenhot means nothing if you don't know where to go to meet them, and why these places work. Here's a list of 5 of the best spots around the city to meet the Argenhot of your dreams. In no particular order:

1) Starbucks: Yeah, they're a multi-national, illuminati, soul-less, indigenous farm crushing corporation. But damn, they make a hell of a coffee. Argenhots love this place. Why? Because in Argentina, Starbucks is a luxury. There are very few of them, and the prices are so inflated that some of their coffees are the cost equivalent to 20% of your average worker's daily wage. Argenhots like to feel special, chic, and cultured. Starbucks gives them all of these things, plus a staff of soft-spoken gay men, blended sweet fruity drinks, and comfy chairs.

The strategy is simple. When you order your drink, do it in the WORST Spanish possible. Chances are that these girls are rich, studied English for most of their lives, have grown tired of Argentine men, and have no foreign friends. They will immediately pick up on your shitty accent, shoot you a stare, and talk to you. Rely on the slowness and ineptitude of the Starbucks staff to give you about 5-8 minutes of chat time with your Argenhot as you wait for your coffee. If you don't have a number, e-mail, or a facebook invite by the time that 18-peso latte is ready, then move on. It sounds shady, but you can do this multiple times a day, if you can handle all that caffeine.

2) UADE Business School: Believe it or not, Buenos Aires has a pretty good business school (insert joke here). The UADE campus is made up of a few bleak-looking buildings smashed together on the corner of the world's widest avenue, 9 de Julio. It lacks any outdoor space set aside exclusively for its students. What this means is that when they're not in class, UADE students flood the steps and giant sidewalk partition in front of the school. Depending on the time of day, it can look like an outdoor cocktail mixer full of driven, confident, middle-class 21-year-olds. There are also a ton of cafes and shady choripan places lining the surrounding streets, so you don't have to feel like a creeper that lurches around a school to pick up women.

The strategy here is a bit more complicated than Starbucks, and is only for inermediate to upper-intermediate Argenhotters. An Argentine business degree has very little international pull, so most of these students will not speak English, nor will they think your goofy foreign accent is cute. If you can't speak good conversational Spanish, forget it. You're best bet here is to approach with a beer or a joint. Deep inner insecurity and the overwhelming pressure to constantly succeed makes business students some of the biggest drinkers and recreational drug users on the planet. And this is universal, no matter what country. Weed is decriminalized in BA, and no one cares if you have an open beer out in public on a sunny afternoon. Go right up to someone, offer what you got, and tell them you were waiting on some friends, but they bailed, and you wanted to check out the scene around the school. These types of Argenhots like to talk about themselves a lot. If you can get past that, and the beer will help, you should have a pretty good chance of stretching after-school beers into a night on the town.

3) Retiro Station: Retiro is the central bus and train terminal for Buenos Aires, which essentially makes it the ground transportation hub of the entire country. The station is massive, and is split by an outdoor walkway filled with burger and beer kiosks that blast cumbia, Nigerian jewelry salesmen, and knock-off clothing vendors. It's a cavalcade of sound, language, and most importantly, diversity. People from all over the country converge here to either depart, arrive, or sell their wares to those doing both. The type of Argenhot here is the polar opposite of Starbucks girl, but just as gorgeous, only in a different way. If dark skin, smoothe black hair, and round deep eyes are your thing, this is your place.

The strategy here is a bit tricky. First off, this is not the safest place in the world, so make sure you're aware of your surroundings. Do NOT talk to someone's sister, or any girl who seems to be hanging around a bunch of guys. This is not the Buenos Aires you see on post cards. Most of these Argenhots are from the poorest parts of the country, and the men tend to be very posessive, old fashioned, and have a palpable disdain for foreigners. Look for an Argenhot that's working at one of the bars or burger shops, and be direct. Tell her you love her eyes, that you're not from around there (which will be blatantly obvious), and ask her about where she's from. Remember, she's most likely Argentine, but not Porteña. Play off the commonality of being an outsider in a big crazy city. Pretend you like cumbia, and if she works in a restaurant or bar, TIP. This will go a long way, and trust me, it's worth it. These women are some of the most beautiful in the country.

4) La Bomba de Tiempo: This one almost didn't make the list, as it is packed with foreigners, and annoying hostel hippies. If you aren't familiar with "La Bomba", I'll break it down. It's an outdoor acoustic percussion rave held every Monday in a place called Ciudad Konex. Picture the party scene from the Matrix 2, but with a bit less people. This place is FULL of dancing, drinking, stoned Argenhotness. These Argenhots could also be catagorized as Argenhippies, but don't let that fool you, they're still still as hot as that little princess from Recoleta who hates Dad and starts her mornings with a valume and a good cry. Argenhippies tend to look like what a hippie chick would look like in a movie if she was played by Jessica Alba. Unbelievable as a character, but you don't care, you live in suspended disbelief.

You've got a 50/50 shot at finding some form of an English speaker. The great thing is, it doesn't matter whether you do or don't. Most of these girls are creative, artistic, and most of all, fun. Talk about music, art, how much you hate pretentious girls, and why you love Buenos Aires. Or, just shut the fuck up and dance. Everyone else is. Avoid talking politics at all costs, especially if you're from the US. This will never end well, and at best case scenario will cause a lot of awkward tension. Keep it light, fun, and creative. There's always an after party, so wait 'til then to make your move. And yes, in this country, the hippies shave!

5) Alto Palermo Shopping Center: This place is perfect for those of you who prefer older Argenhots. Like a fine malbec, many Argenhots get better with age. This is especially true in Palermo, where many of the women are wealthy and don't work, giving them lots of time to stay healthy, but also causing them to be bored out of their mind. Buenos Aires has an extremely high percentage of single women over 40. My theory is that this comes from many women marrying early out of family pressure, and divorcing in their mid-30's when they realize it was the wrong decision. Also, infidelity is huge down here, and that is a big marriage destroyer. For whatever reason, this modern mall is full of bored rich women looking to fill the void of their lack of a purpose with lingerie from Caro Cuore, facial cremes, bags, and shoes.

Don't try to slick-talk these Argenmilfs. It won't work. Think of them as the older version of Starbucks girl. Chances are, they've traveled extensively, own their own apartment (and maybe even a beach house on the coast), and have dreams of one day moving to Barcelona or New York. Your game needs to be really tight to even come close to breaking through to one of these women. Avoid talking about your petty achievements, they're not impressed. Talk about what book you're currently reading, what kind of things interest you as a person, and why you are either visiting or living in Argentina. Don't be intimidated. They can smell fear. Good luck, and have fun.